#it's so vitriolic. I don't want to believe it. and I don't want external validation. I want to b a Drag monster. I want to back myself so
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SCARED BEING A DRAG MONSTER WILL FIX YOU?! YOU SHOULD BE
#dragula season 5 ...#i wish i had even an inch of power to do it too#i've given up on things like dating and top surgery. being desired or safe right. saying i deserve any of that or want it just feels like#asking for violence. asking to be proven wrong. asking to be set back right#i've never run into something like this before where my desire is just not content with that.#Drag is too confronting and vulnerable 2 do it while covering my head.#I've gotten so strong about being alive except for this.#II've given up on anything else. I just want this.#this is Blind pain i've lived my life by and it doesn't need to be this way and i really don't want to Accept that bc it means it hasn't#been painful enough. this is just the tip of it.#it feels so stupid. talking up drag and hearing abt multiple ppl starting to do drag Because of me and I'm completely#ridiculously Paralyzed? Zero nerve to move? No backbone?#No mother? No scene? all it takes is confidence and attitude? can't look in a mirror without thinking yeah. They were right for it.#it's so vitriolic. I don't want to believe it. and I don't want external validation. I want to b a Drag monster. I want to back myself so#viciously it doesn't matter. I want to exist so firmly that it doesn't matter.
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